Sunday, 12 June 2016

“Five minutes are enough to dream a whole life."

It's been a month since James and I first met. This seems significant to me. Dates and times are something that has suddenly become more important and I've started noticing and checking them more frequently. I've been questioning this new obsession and I've come to a conclusion. Maybe it's because it shows me that I'm still going. Even though time has stopped for James, it is still passing by for me. 5 weeks and 4 days since we first "matched". 3 weeks and 4 days since I last saw him. 5 days, 21 hours and 55 minutes of knowing him. 141 hours. 8,515 minutes. 510,900 seconds...

Time is a funny thing. When you're first starting a relationship with someone time goes by too fast. All you want to do is spend every moment together and all you can think of when you leave is when you'll next see that person again. The thought of spending time apart is agonising. It's easy to get over excited and rush things. To jump into the feelings and get wrapped up in nothing else. But really, if it's meant to be, you should have all the time in the world. Of course it's also easy to go the opposite way and try to hold back and not scare the other person away by being overly keen. But I've never been one to play games. They get you nowhere in life. If there is one thing I've learnt, life is short. Be open, be honest, take risks. If you like someone, tell them.

The question I keep thinking about is "Can you truly know someone after a week?" The situation I'm in is an unusual one. Everything started and ended so fast. I understand completely why people might be skeptical about my grieving. No one has questioned it but the paranoia in my own head thinks other people might be thinking "You only knew him for a week. That's no time at all." It's true. But I've come to realise it's not how long you have known someone that matters. It's how you spend that time and how you feel about them. You can know one person better in 5 minutes then another in 5 years. So, the answer to my own question is yes, you can know someone after a week. Of course there are many things that will take a lifetime to learn and truthfully, I think it's almost impossible to know everything about another person. Human beings are too complex. But when I looked at James lying in his bed and I said to him "I feel like I know you already" I was telling the truth. And when I asked him if he knew me and he replied with a smile and said "I know you" I could tell he was speaking the truth too.

Which leads me to the other question I've been thinking about. "Can you miss someone who you've known only for a week?" The simple answer to this question is also "yes". I'd gotten used to the normality of messaging him everyday. I looked forward to it. He had become a massive part of my life in that week. We'd seen each other 5 out of the 7 days. Spending that much time with someone is pretty intense but it still wasn't enough. I didn't want to leave him when we said goodbye. He had exams the following week and we had decided not to see each other until after that. The idea of having to wait a week was hard enough. Now the idea of having to wait a lifetime is unbearable. I know it is possible to miss someone you have known only for a week by feeling the way I do. I miss him every day.

Life is unpredictable. James and I should have had all the time in the world. We we're robbed of that time. I wish we could have had just one more meal. One more kiss. One more endless night of talking into the early hours. But we won't. I'm standing here at Field Day Festival in Victoria Park, thinking about how James was planning on coming too and how he should be here. But he isn't. And that's the hard truth. It's funny how I can be standing in a park, surrounded by thousands of people and still feel lonely. You can't think of the "what ifs" and the things that could have happened. You should just remember the amazing time that you did have. I keep thinking that I've now known him dead longer then I knew him alive. It's a profound thought. And it doesn't matter. What matters is that I knew him at all.

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