Saturday, 2 July 2016

“You're always you, and that don't change, and you're always changing,and there's nothing you can do about it.”

After six weeks I'm finally going to watch the new X-Men film at the cinema. This might seem like an insignificant fact about the schedule of my day today but it is, in all honesty, a poignant moment for me. Six weeks ago I planned on going to the cinema to watch the new X-Men film. Six weeks ago I got distracted by James' conversations, by his eyes, by his outstretched arms around me that I missed the showings. I had fully planned on going that day. It was the first day the film had come out and anyone that knows me knows how my geeky personality loves a first day showing of a superhero flick. I'd been excited about the film's release for a year since the trailer first appeared online. I told James how excited I was. He thought I was weird because he hated superhero films. I asked him what superhero power he would have if he could have any. He laughed and cheekily said invisibility so he could "spy on girls and steal stuff". I said that was awful. At 14:39 I text my sister saying "I'm just going to leave here soon." We had originally planned to go to the showing around 17:00. I didn't leave until almost 19:00.

Going to the cinema shouldn't seem so significant but it does. It's the fact that I'd made the plan before the world around me changed. The person I am now still wants to see the film the same as the person that did then. Except, that person and this person are not the same. The exterior is recognisable to anyone familiar, as is the fundamental personality. But somewhere, underneath the surface, something is different. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what this is. But of course, I've changed and I will never change back.

I put off for weeks going to see the film. I've been keeping myself busy but I'm sure I could have made time for it if I'd wanted. I couldn't bring myself to go. It felt strange to be completing something that I'd planned before. It felt like it was eliminating everything that happened. It felt like a betrayal. If I went to the cinema to see the film I planned to see before the event then it felt like the event had not happened at all. But of course, it did happen. And for many reasons I need to remember that it did happen. I need to remember him.

So after six long, difficult weeks I've finally decided to go and watch the film. Does this mean I'm moving on? No. I cried for the first time in over a week this morning. But it does show that life still goes on. And although my emotions often feel like strangers, I am still me. Events happen in life which change us for the good and the bad. Nothing stops our pages from being written, nothing erases the ink. We just have to keep reading until our pages run out.

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